Parenting forums...

I think I am just going to have to stop posting on these.... some are great and supportive, but a lot of opinions and responses repeatedly hit nerves with me.

I don't like to see when everyone jumps on the bandwagon in a rant, because there are other ways to look at these situations sometimes.

Sometimes I'm wholeheartedly in agreement with what is being said, but I usually don't respond based on emotion unless something has really bothered me.

Several things bother me and seem to be common themes on these forums:

1. Posts that give off the feeling that we are "broken" and therefore should be excused from certain things.

2. Posts that give the impression that we are incapable of learning new things.

3. Posts that don't push the importance of believing we CAN do things and reach our full potential.

I see far too many of these, and to me, it gives many mixed feelings. Sometimes I feel the parents have just accepted things the way they are (which isn't necessarily a bad thing), but their perception is "off" about the situation. Like, "so and so has Asperger's and just isn't going to be good at this or that". Okay, so that MIGHT be true. BUT, it doesn't change the fact that so and so could still try to learn, or might need more help learning it than the others.

Heck, I KNOW that feeling of "I can't" way too well. Any time something doesn't work out right, I get that awesome (sarcasm) feeling of "I'll never be able to" and just never want to try again. But I know that isn't good for me, either.

It's easy enough for me to get myself into a pattern of that line of thinking.... if my parent had that line of thinking, too, then I'd NEVER learn anything new, lol.

A lot of us really do need to be pushed to practice things, whether we think it's important or not. It's not just a matter of "oh this is absolutely useless to be learning and isn't important". There are usually underlying reasons to be learning new things that are not directly involved with the task.

Take sports for instance. Many of us Aspies/Auties are TERRIBLE at sports, quite frankly. But some of us excel as well. Sports suck... a LOT of people hate playing sports, despise it, if you will. But that doesn't change the fact that you learn other things when playing them. Sportsmanship, reaction time, motor skills, teamwork, and generally being aware of your surroundings as opposed to lost in your own little world the majority of the time.

I freakin HATED sports. I still do. But I cannot deny that I made friends in gym.... usually with all the other people who hated it as much as I did... and I can't deny that we would keep one another aware and cheer for each other as well. It was much better with friends in the class, even though I hated the task at hand.

I learned to take turns, not get plowed down by a ball to my head, not to get plowed down by other kids running around, to cheer for my teammates, to work with my teammates, and how to be a good sport when we didn't win.

I realize this now, even though during school I would have given ANYTHING to get out of gym class.

Anyway, the point is.... so many parents on these forums, no matter how nice they are, seem to share this mindset of "my child just isn't going to be good at this/that and I'm not going to make them be". But it's not about making them good at it. It's about working with them on it so that they can at least function decently when they have to participate in whatever it is.

A quick story of something that happened very very recently that pertains to this. I have to admit, I did get into that mindset at first-when it initially happened and was brought up, I was TICKED. I was angry with the teacher for even suggesting it! The nerve of her!

My son's class is competing with another class on how fast they know their multiplication tables. It takes my son a good minute and a half just to focus enough to do any of the problems, and there is a timer ticking away the entire time at the front of the room, so there is distraction during the 5 minute timed test.

Now, we'd worked with him on these several times, and he was still only getting about 36 out of 100.

I got a note home last week, that said "Please practice!"-all underlined 2 or 3 times, with exclamation points all around it.

I was mad... furious. He's in the gifted program, for pete's sake-he's not stupid, just works slow. How could she assume he wasn't working on it every night and making such an emphasis on this stupid test? I mean, the last school didn't even give him timed tests for this exact reason! How could she!?!

Well, I calmed down, talked with my mom, etc. We decided we were going to work harder on it... by the end of just 2 days (and non-stop quizzing nearly), he was up to getting 67.

I felt awful... it didn't seem like he was getting a break that I thought he desperately should be getting. But... he did improve, and seemed to be getting frustrated at times, but he was definitely not incapable of learning to do them faster.

So... I guess what I'm saying is... parents reading this: DO set higher expectations of us than what you probably have, because we ARE capable of doing things better. Don't settle for what we always show you. Kids don't work hard at things they just don't like a lot of the time, and the same goes for us. Does it mean we can't do it? Certainly not... it just means we have to be pushed to our full potential. Then, if we still aren't getting it, then okay-maybe it's just not our strong point. But don't give up on it before trying. We can get ourselves into the "I can't" mindset just fine on our own. What we need is support saying "You can!" right behind us every step of the way, pushing to prove it to us.

Answering Questions...

I talked about doing this a while back, and decided to go through my message boxes tonight on some forums to dig up old questions that have been asked. I'm going to keep the askers anonymous, of course, just out of respect.

The question/issue:

"I have a 17teen year old Aspie son who is giving me Heck right now on everything... I truly dont know if me pushing him is right or wrong. I figured you would be a great person to ask!! ( if you wouldnt mind!!) ... He is finishing 11th grade now and doesn't drive but wants to go to college. He has decided to stay home for college which is fine for me but in that case he needs to drive.. being Aspie I feel he needs at least a year to learn how to drive. He thinks when he is 18 he will just get his licence and go...(hell no) he is procrastinating cuz he doesnt want to turn 18 and grow up.. I understand this but it is going to come no matter what and I have tried to explain this to him ... with no evail.. so I have to push him along... He is very smart ( of course) but now is stuck on this majic card stuff which I truly don't mind but it has gotten in the way of EVERYTHING including school. He used to want to be a Psycologist now he just wantes to play cards... I don't want to take this away from him but .... he is starting to want out of his school programs that he has worked so hard for... and everything. He says I am to hard on him... He starting to smell cuz he doesn't tell me when there is no soap in his bathroom and he doesn't clean himself well enough anymore... He will get mad at me when I tell him he has to do this correctly and again... I say it nicely and when he tells me no he won't I have to make him.. I rather be the one then someone on the outside hurting him... He says others don't but I think that he just doesn't notice yet. No hair cuts doesn't want to shave ahhhhh.... I don't want to get on him for everything but if I don't tell him to do all of this he wont. "

My response:

"No problem at all :) I know it's a lot different for girls than boys in a lot of areas, but they all amount to about the same thing, I think.

With any kid, they will say their parents are too hard on them-they always think that, lol, so that part is normal.

...and with the obsession with the magic cards-I understand that to some extent. A lot of us really like "fantasy" type games and can become involved very easily. I play World of Warcraft and sometimes it's hard to pull away from it. But I've had to limit myself to only a couple of hours at night. I don't think it would be wrong of you to allow him to play the cards for maybe 2-3 hours a day, because I know it can become a long game, but no more than that.

Some obsessions/interests are just fine to perseverate on, but these just aren't. I'm never going to get a job playing WoW, lol, and I'm pretty sure no jobs require skills in Magic: the Gathering :P I always envied those whose obsessions were able to turn into careers to some extent, because they can just go to town and wind up making something out of it. Mine have always been just useless things, to be honest.... can't get away with going to town on those without it interfering with life rather than being something to move towards.

So a time limit, I don't think is such a bad thing, as long as it's after he has finished school work and such. ...and that is just normal for any kiddo. The shower and such, I'm sure has to do with the card game, lol. Well, I can't say I'm certain, but I have a pretty good idea of that because I STILL go for 2-3 days without anything sometimes just playing on the computer. Get too wrapped up in it.

As far as driving... I dunno. I mean, sure, he could just be thinking "when you turn 18, that is just what happens and you will know what to do", or he could be afraid of driving. It took me until 21 to learn to drive, and that was when mom finally got tired of driving me back and forth from work. It was hard... nervewrecking... something NEW to learn, to work on, and to master so I don't kill myself on the road basically. It's a LOT of responsibility-driving. I've never been the most responsible person really, and that was a VERY scary thing.... then the idea that no matter how careful I am in the car, I can't control what other people do.... it took a lot of work before I would finally get behind the wheel.

Sounds to me like he's scared of responsibility in general maybe? I think that is normal, especially in the later years of high school. It's basically going from being under your parents wing and being taken care of, to going out on your own. Even if you have family support, college and work, maybe living on your own, leaving your friends... all of it combined is a VERY big change.

I don't know if it would help, but maybe just try talking with him about one thing at a time? Try to keep him focused on his school activities first. Tell him (I'm guessing he's a senior in high school?) that this is his last year of high school, and that he might just want to enjoy it as much as he can. If he still protests, I don't know.... I dread when my boy gets older and I have to make big decisions like that, lol. I tend to be pretty lenient a lot of the time, probably too much so, but figure it's because mine is still very young. He may just be scared of all the change that is about to happen... that is a LOT to take in, and people do expect a lot more from you, and that is a big change as well.

There are a couple of books I'm looking into getting from Amazon, for myself even, about becoming an adult and starting work, guides for college, etc., for people with autism.

If you feel you are pushing him too hard, then maybe try to work on that... BUT, if you feel you are just being a parent, KEEP GOING!!! People like to think of us as innocent and having it so hard, and it's hard not to think that way I guess.... but we do still do snotty kid/teenager stuff too, lol.

The most successful people I've met on the spectrum, all say they couldn't have done it without their parents. They say they hated them at the time, though... but were GLAD that their parents never stopped pushing them to be their best :) I hope that helps some.

...and of course if you have any questions or whatnot, always feel free to drop me a line. :D It's nice to have new friends ^^

Oh, and the not gettin picked on stuff... geez, if I ever figure that out, I'll let you know. I imagine he's prob like me, and too trusting and eager to think that people are generally good. I just got myself in trouble 2 nights ago being nice to someone I didn't know very well and had to have them escorted off of my property. It's really a hard one to figure out, to be honest. Body language tells a lot, I guess, to others. But I know for me, and for my son, if someone is doing something mean, but laughing, we get out of it that they are just joking with us-not actually picking on us. It's just really a hard one to sort out when that body language doesn't compute properly in the mind."

The Question:

"My son has been going to another therapist and he believes he will have Asperger's in the future after his speech is better and such. Is that even possible? It just blew me away. I told him, I thought he would never be able to have that diagnosis because of his speech delay now. He replied "Well I see him later in life in having that dx, when his speech is "regular""! I didn't know much to say after that. They are also going to do an IQ test on him so they can rule out mental retardation. My stomach just sank. I'm more at a loss now than ever before. But at least this dr is more willing to say he is autistic than having just a pdd-nos dx. Anyways.. what are your opinions on that??? I will tell you more about him if you'd like... How have you dealt with it yourself? I'm so afraid he won't be capable of doing this or that.. But that's only because of what I see now.. I have no idea what he can be in the future. If his behavior will calm down, if his speech will improve.. things of that order."

My response:

"No, technically it is NOT possible, especially since they are talking about scrapping Asperger's from the DSM-IV altogether, and just calling it all autism, lol. But, a lot of docs will ignore the speech delay and still go with that diagnosis, which is basically the same thing.

As far as how I've dealt with things myself... I honestly don't know. I mean, I have a family, and to some that would be very successful considering.... but I cannot pay my own bills, I can't seem to hold a job, I couldn't finish college. It's not so much that I cannot do these things, but moreso that others don't understand me well enough for them. For instance, I've been fired for just being "too weird" before. One place fired me because I was way too happy. Other places just wait for something to come up to get rid of me.... for instance, my last place fired me when my daughter went into the hospital and I had to stay with her. It was "oh, I'm so sorry to hear. By the way, don't come back". In college, they told me I needed something more concrete as far as diagnosis and they could give me "picture books".... ugh!

It's a very frustrating world we live in at times.... not much is out there for adults like us that need anything extra, to be honest, in most areas.

But it doesn't mean that it cannot happen. It just means you have to find the right group of people to work with you to hold a job, or have to have really good coping mechanisms for things when they come up. Some are very skilled, some not so much-like myself it seems. I have a LOT of support though, and that is wonderful. It helps in so many ways! I don't like having to rely on others... that can cause a LOT of depression and stress, though. It's a tough spot to be in, but I still think I'm doing fairly well when in comparison to others with the same problems.

I'm sorry-I'm kind of in a down mood today, lol. I'm in a lot of pain from my knee cap constantly slipping out of place for no good reason, so it's hindered my good mood. At least I can realize that I guess :) That is a good thing, lol."

The Question:

"Hi, I was wondering if you could give me any suggestions. My son gets upset when he hears another child cry. He had this behavior before and it had gotten better but recently it has resurfaced and is worse. Sunday in my Sunday school class a little boy started crying after his mother left. My son started jumping up and down, screaming, smacking himself, kicked off his shoes, kicked over a table and was banging his head against my chest. For the first time ever, I could NOT control him. I would truly appreciate any suggestions you may have."

My Answer:

"How old is he? A lot of parents don't seem to like this idea when it comes to things like this, but maybe just try to get him to go with you elsewhere until the other child stops. I've heard a lot of "well, he'll have to deal with it some day", but see... yes, we do have to deal with it, but that doesn't mean that we'll EVER be able to tolerate it.

I run into things like that all of the time as an adult... and I can't just stand there and listen to it. But, I can realize now that I can walk away from it until things calm down :) Maybe, let the church staff know that if he starts up, just to take him on a small walk outside if they don't mind. Or they could just let you know and you could walk with him at times if they cannot.

Other ideas would just be things like noise cancelling headphones, but I honestly hate the things myself, as they are just uncomfortable, and don't seem logical to use for noises that you never know if they are or are not going to happen. Too annoying to keep taking them off and putting them back on, lol, or lugging them around when no one really knows if it even is going to happen :P

It might be something he will outgrow or get more used to over time as well.... it could just be this particular child's tone of voice. I have a friend whose daughter has this AWFUL crying thing going on when she starts, lol, and it makes me very irritable to hear it. I can listen to it, but only because I don't have much of a choice sometimes (like if she's in the car with us or something). But some kids... can cry all day long and it won't bother me one bit.

It's very interesting really how that works :) But that also means there are just so many reasons it could possibly be, so it's not really easy to fix. I would say the easiest solution would be to go on a walk until it calms down, or until your son calms down, then come back. It's definitely a good coping strategy to learn anyway :) To walk away when things get overwhelming is so much better than to be freaking out in front of everyone, lol-as an adult especially. It still happens from time to time, but I can catch it as it comes on a lot as well."

The Question:

"We thought maybe if we record sounds of crying and play them and see if he has the same effect. We could stop the player and explain to him how the crying stops and try to teach him other responses to the crying then him getting so upset. Do you think that is worth a try or are we way off."

My response:

"It could help... or it could backfire, lol. It really depends on what the actual problem with the crying is, ya know? I mean, if he can walk past certain people crying with no problem, but then one kid once in a while has a tone to their cry that he just cannot deal with, that is literally just painful to the ears (throbbing ear drums, loss of concentration, instant meltdown type of noise), then it may not do anything.

For instance, if sunlight is hurting someone's eyes really bad, then exposing them to artificial light all the time will make no difference, because the sunlight is what hurts. Exposing to artificial may be uncomfortable, but will never match the actual problem well enough to help adjust to it.

If it is crying in general that bothers him, then it very well could help out... as long as he understands why it is being done... but I would not be shocked if he still had a meltdown from time to time, because practice is on a schedule... it only lasts a little while, you can press the button to turn it off... it's not as unpredictable as real life is, if that makes sense. It may not be the right tone, it may not seem as loud, it's not as random.

I wonder.... if you could use distraction to some extent. Give him a small job-very small job to focus on during it. If a baby is crying because he/she wants a bottle, then have him bring the bottle to you and give it to the baby. That way, his "job" also has a payoff in the sense that the noise stops as soon as he gets it done. Also, he will know why the person is crying, rather than it just being plain loud and random noise, if that makes sense. Maybe talk about things like that with him after and ask him why he thought that person might be crying? That way, he can get a better grasp on it as a reason behind crying, rather than it just being very loud and sudden.

It may not help with the noise itself.... that one is a hard one to tackle, as many of us have such diff sensory issues. Mine is electrical noise-white noise of any sort I cannot stand. But I can tune out people yelling and screaming all day long for the most part (It'll come out later in frustration, but at the time, I can just tune it out). With white noise.... I can kind of describe what it is like for me-it may or may not be the same for him with the crying.... but I can feel the sound in my stomach. It's a dull... disruption or something-makes me nauseous after a while, and my ears feel like they are just throbbing. If it stops right away, that is good, of course.... but if it does not, I can be in tears within a matter of minutes just because of how awful it is-and it feels like HOURS after just a few minutes.

I've heard people describe sounds as bees stinging them inside of their ears as well.

It's a bummer that no one else is in there with you that can easily go get someone to take him for a walk :( You are in a really tough spot with it.

I definitely would not avoid taking him there or anything like that... exposure is a good thing to some extent of course.... but it's really hard to know exactly what to do without knowing what the problem actually is.

It might not be the sound at all... but just the unexpected part of it that gets him worked up/startled and it sets him off. "

A Random Rant... Vent... Talk.... whatever it winds up being, lol

I'm not sure what to write today, but thought I should probably say something today, as it's been a while, lol.

I'm hitting kind of a low with autism lately... it's a very FRUSTRATING disorder to have. I've noticed people work soooo hard to "fix" us, to make us like everyone else. They try to fit us into these little categories of "what is normal" and "what is not".

They want to think that they can make us successful by working with us, by teaching us "their" ways... but there are MAJOR flaws in this.

The thing is, we are who we are. We can read a script over and over and still have it come across as awkward, unnatural... because it ISN'T natural to us.

People seem to forget, when teaching us these things, that they still look for body language, tone of voice, facial expression, etc. when we do/say things... and I'm sorry, but no matter how good you are at reading the script, it just doesn't work well unless you can truly get into character.

...and not to be slamming therapists, etc., that think that if we just did "this" or "that", then things wouldn't be so hard... if we just looked "normal" enough to pass it off.... but it's just not plausible.

We NEED reasons for things. We NEED a response that makes US feel something a lot of the time. ...and I'm not going to feel anything tied to much if I'm ONLY doing something so that people like me more, or can put up with me better. I can't do something simply because it might make people more comfortable with me... or because it might make people like me. Quite frankly, if I have to put on that much of a show for them, then I don't want to be around them anyway... not just because it's entirely uncomfortable, but it is EXHAUSTING.

You have no clue... until you really have to TRY to be fake with people, how absolutely exhausting it can be. Sure, maybe you have more friends in the end.... maybe people like you more in the end... but if you are on the verge of tears every night because you are so overwhelmed from just trying to remember the basics to things every single time you talk to anyone or walk past them all day long, it's not worth it.

People like to think "well, it's so easy once you learn how"... but most of these people forget, they didn't have to fully LEARN it all. They didn't have to start from square one... there is something instilled in most people that comes out naturally-instinctive.

People also like to think that there truly is a way of "behaving normally", or that there is a "normal" response to things... but I've talked to a LOT of people, and let me tell ya, there isn't.

So... say you have autism, and are somewhat depressed. You decide to go to therapy. Do you know that one of the first things they start doing is throwing homework on specific phrases to use, body language information packets, etc. at you?

But... it doesn't help if you can't read into it yourself. ...and it sure as heck doesn't help anyone due to the fact that 10 people can respond to a situation 10 different ways and have it be taken as perfectly normal... but your way is NOT for some reason.

It's a paradox, really.... wanting so bad to fit in socially, willing to do the work for it, but in the back of your mind, there is this neverending cycle of things you see in every day life that just makes it completely not plausible to actually work.

We don't just need handbooks and manuals on how to do things. We need a whole freakin life dedicated to just figuring out the relationships between people, personalities that tie into them, etc., that makes certain things appropriate with that person.

Before you can say a ton to people, you have to be able to size up their personalities. You have to be able to stand back and try to figure out whether or not this person can take a joke, whether this person prefers the prim and proper approach to everything, if this person is super casual, if this person is accepting of "iffy" comments or not, if this person is understanding, if this person has a short fuse.

All those things you guys can figure out within seconds, doesn't happen for us. It can take YEARS to finally get to know someone well enough to actually speak comfortably with them. It's mentally and physically exhausting, it's overwhelming. It's not just anxiety-it's literally never knowing what to do with what you have to work with and constantly second guessing yourself. It's being written off as rude if you say the wrong thing because you assessed the person the wrong way.

How many times have you walked away from a conversation in which the other person had lousy timing, or told a joke that offended you, or thought something about you that wasn't true, and never spoke to them again, or went home and talked about them to your friend or family? Have you ever EVER thought that the person may have autism? Or that this person just thinks differently?

Have you ever written off someone in your life due to a misunderstanding that could easily have been them just not gauging the situation the right way?

Most people won't admit it when they do these things.... most people don't even think they do... but they do. Watch the next time you talk about someone you don't know. It's okay to talk about how they came across and such, but just as you'd sit down your autie kiddo and explain that misunderstandings happen and that doesn't mean the person is mean, etc., you should really take a look at your own personal relations.

I cannot count how many times my bf has said to me "that's horrible that this/that happened to you today. I had a bad day today too, I ran into a real jerk... his timing was off on everything, and he just ticked me off!"

I do NOT think this is an autism exclusive thing.... I think it's people in general just being intolerant to one another when they don't get what they expect back out of a person. We're surely not the only ones sitting around saying "I just don't get why ____ did this or that". But because we have a diagnosis, we sure are the only ones being told "well if you just did this or that, then maybe it would have turned out differently."

Just my 2 cents... rant over.

Sorry it's been so long!

I get on these kicks... and it drives me nuts really. I will get into doing something and be all about doing it and thinking about how fun it could be, etc., then just suddenly lose interest after a few days.

It comes and goes. I wonder if I have ADD with HFA or something, lol, but docs don't seem too concerned about it.

So, I apologize that it's been so long. I also think it partially has to do with the fact that I have quite a few really big interests, so they take priority over one another quite a bit.

1. Advocating, teaching others, and sharing my experiences with autism. That is definitely a big one-in fact, a few months ago I planned to write a book.... then I looked over and saw my craft stuff and stopped.

2. Crafting. Not just crafting, but Perler Bead art. I LOVE making things out of these little beads. Unfortunately, often I'm too busy making things out of them to clean up the mess I'm creating with them, lol. But I wind up with some pretty cool stuff! I made Zelda coasters for a friend of mine's wedding, with a nintendo controller case (also made out of beads). I've got some really big ones that I've found in various spots on the 'net over time that took a couple of hours each to make and well over 2,000 beads per, lol. I love the things.

Here is my album of them on facebook :) http://www.facebook.com/#!/album.php?aid=7036&id=100000583497513&ref=pb

3. World of Warcraft. One of the most addicting games out there, I swear... and it can be SO time consuming, lol. I try to limit myself, but it's hard when I find others to interact with because then I want to talk to them forever, haha. I guess it just goes to show how little of a social life I have in RL.

Online talking is so much easier... you don't have body language, facial expressions, or intonation to work with. If you don't get what someone is saying, or if they are joking, you can just ask and they are more than willing to explain what they mean. If you have a misunderstanding, it gets cleared up within minutes rather than the 3 day long grudge being held.... BUT, even with that, I do crave real life interaction at times, despite its downfalls when it comes to some things.

Anyway... so those of you who know I have kiddos are probably wondering "if your interests are that intense and you can't keep up with more than one thing at a time, then what about the kids?" Well... my daughter likes these things too, lol, and my son has HFA also, so he has his own stuff going on too. So it's really not bad!

Hmmm..... guess that is the end of my apology and over explaining of why I have not been blogging lately :P But I do have a question for you guys:

Do you notice when out in public, that people have seemed to lose their sense of morality? As in, they are just so self-absorbed, that they just blatantly don't seem to care what is going on around them. It's really bizarre!

I'm now obsessed with Bento boxes... quite literally. Who ever said you aren't supposed to play with your food?

Books that may help some parents

I've found quite a few books on Amazon that may be very helpful to parents of children that have autism, or behavioral issues in general... as well as to the kids themselves. So I'm going to link them here for easy access!

Dictionary of Idioms

Dictionary of Idioms (revised)

Scholastic Dictionary of Synonyms, Antonyms, and Homonyms

Just Kidding

Simon's Hook; A Story About Teases and Put-downs

My Mouth Is a Volcano!

The Gifted Kids' Survival Guide: For Ages 10 & Under

The Gifted Kids Survival Guide: A Teen Handbook

What to Do When Good Enough Isn't Good Enough: The Real Deal on Perfectionism: A Guide for Kids

Nobody's Perfect: A Story for Children About Perfectionism

What to Do When Bad Habits Take Hold: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Nail Biting and More (What to Do Guides for Kids)

What to Do When You Grumble Too Much: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Negativity (What to Do Guides for Kids)

What to Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Anxiety (What to Do Guides for Kids)

What to Do When Your Brain Gets Stuck: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming OCD (What-to-Do Guides for Kids)

What to Do When Your Temper Flares: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Problems With Anger (What to Do Guides for Kids)

What to Do When You're Scared and Worried: A Guide for Kids

How to Do Homework Without Throwing Up

Dude, That's Rude!: (Get Some Manners) (Laugh And Learn)

No Excuses!: How What You Say Can Get In Your Way

When My Worries Get Too Big! A Relaxation Book for Children Who Live with Anxiety

Bully-Be-Gone with Annie

The Red Beast: Controlling Anger in Children With Asperger's Syndrome

When My Autism Gets Too Big! A Relaxation Book for Children with Autism Spectrum Disorders

Personal Hygiene? What's That Got To Do

Hygiene and Related Behaviors for Children and Adolescents with Autism Spectrum and Related Disorders: A Fun Curriculum with a Focus on Social Understanding

How to Be Yourself in a World That's Different: An Asperger's Syndrome Study Guide for Adolescents

Knowing Yourself, Knowing Others: A Workbook for Children With Asperger's Disorder, Nonverbal Learning Disorder, and Other Social-Skill Problems

Brendan Buckley's Universe and Everything in It

A Crooked Kind of Perfect

The Kindergarten Adventures Of Amazing Grace: What In The World Is Autism?

In My Mind: The World through the Eyes of Autism

Autistic Planet

Calming the Stormy Days with Annie

A Bad Case of Tattle Tongue

The Way I Feel

The Autism Acceptance Book: Being a Friend to Someone With Autism

The Hidden Curriculum: Practical Solutions for Understanding Unstated Rules in Social Situations

Teaching Conversation to Children With Autism: Scripts And Script Fading (Topics in Autism)

Parenting a Child With Asperger Syndrome: 200 Tips and Strategies

Your Life is Not a Label: A Guide to Living Fully with Autism and Asperger's Syndrome

Asperger Syndrome in Adolescence: Living With the Ups, the Downs and Things in Between

The Mom's Guide to Asperger Syndrome and Related Disorders

An Asperger Dictionary of Everyday Expressions (Stuart-Hamilton, An Asperger Dictionary of Everyday Expressions)

Things that make you go "Hmmm"

I was cleaning my son's room today and realized a lot of small things that were actually quite funny...

I found a teaspoon, a medicine cup, and a juice box that hadn't been opened. I have no clue if it was my son that put them there, or if my daughter had done it, but I just started laughing, because it seems no matter what I ask him to do with them, and he fully acknowledges where things belong, he just WILL NOT do it.

I looked around the room... clothes on the floor that he had changed (hamper is RIGHT NEXT TO HIS DOOR), hangers all over the place... trash from toys he'd opened... a scrabble box with absolutely none of the pieces left in it.

I decided to go to my computer desk for a moment to check on my forums, then looked around and realized "wow, I'm the same exact way!"

Now, I notice this probably every few months or so, when I really get to paying attention to it, and it's quite funny, actually... like mother like... well, son in our case.

My daughter makes messes, too, but they are more sparatic. Like, she will walk around for half hour with her dirty clothes before dropping it somewhere. But my son and I, you can tell exactly where we were when we changed clothes, can tell where we ate something or drank something, where we took our medicine, etc.

Not a thing to be proud of-definitely something to work on, as things can get quite cluttered from it. But still humorous nonetheless.

I hate people...

Mainly because I just don't understand how they work a lot of the time. Sometimes I wish I knew, sometimes I'm thrilled that I don't understand it, because it would just make things more complicated, and would really throw off my ability to think logically most of the time... what I learn, I learn by watching people... their behaviors, mannerisms, responses to things, etc.

But I don't understand most of it. I'm lucky I even leave my house at times....

Anyway, I have some questions:

1) Why do people deny things that are obviously going on?

2) Why do people pass blame so often?

3) Why do people pretend to be "buddy buddy" with others, when they really don't seem to like the person?

4) Why do people ask mindless questions to others like "how are you?" when they could not possibly actually care, seeing as they don't know me?

5) Why do people surround themselves with tons of people, yet only talk to one or 2?

6) Why do people get offended if you don't talk to them every single day? I'm guessing most people don't realize that friendships require a LOT of maintenance.

7) Why don't people say exactly what they mean? I mean, most people can read the signals via body language and all, but even THEY have miscommunications, which makes me think that people should say what they mean in the first place to avoid that?

8) Why do people deny feeling emotions at times, even if it's abundantly clear (by lack of rationality in what they say) that they are feeling something?

9) What is the difference between "being polite" and "lying"? I mean, the classic here-someone asks if their pants make them look fat... and they do. So we are supposed to say "no, you look fine" to spare feelings even if we know everyone they pass is going to laugh at them or think that? Also, it doesn't make sense... polite would be doing good things, right? Well, in that situation, initially one is lying.... how is that polite?

Learning social skills from forums...

I was part of this forum for parents of children with autism. I left it, lol, because... well, everyone seemed just far too emotionally driven to listen to any reasoning or apply logic to what they were saying.

I posted saying basically that the argument about vaccines is just ridiculous. I also pointed out the fact that the "blame game" isn't so much as what is the cause for autism, but they are picking and choosing what parts of others' posts they want to listen to, then are twisting it, getting defensive, and attacking them, which just starts an all out war.

So... I thought it was ironic, that after I posted that (before I quit, as I wanted to see what the owner of the group thought ultimately before leaving altogether), that the owner came in, basically saying the arguing and all needs to stop... but THEN, felt this need to throw in the fact that people who view it her way (the ones with vaccine injured children, as she put it) don't have any reason to get attacked, and are not doing the attacking... they are, in fact, just as guilty as the others, if not maybe even a bit more, as the others state their view and it instantly gets picked apart, reworded, and reposted. They are getting offended, which, is understandable since they see it from the other side and all... but they are also butchering everyone else's posts just to be able to take out their anger on people and keep the argument going... every single time!

But the post that finally set me over the edge and made me say "I just can't take this site anymore", was from one of those people. She was posting nasty little comments in between her main points. The owner of the group was what made me hit the "leave" button and not even bother to respond.

So... I kind of figured out from that, why the idea of "social therapy" doesn't thrill me too much.

I'm kind of going by the idea that those kinds of things are normal in real life too (and don't deny it, because denial of fault is one of the things I KNOW I've seen people do on a daily basis, lol). This is what I learned from them, and have observed very similar going on in real life:

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1) Deny. Deny. Deny.

Apparently, admitting fault is a fate worse than death. Any time you can, look for someone else to blame for your bad mood, or your problems. NEVER admit that you *could* be doing anything less than perfect, even if you are doing the same thing someone is criticizing you for AS YOU DENY IT.
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2) If someone disagrees with you, there is no reason to try to come to an agreement, or to back down... even if it's an issue that you will NEVER agree on, or an issue that has absolutely no research that can cover every instance of something to back anyone up.

These people are arguing this to freakin death! They just WILL NOT LET IT GO. At least after a while of not agreeing with someone, I can look objectively at the situation and say, "Oh, well this isn't going anywhere. We should just stop talking about it." Rather than, "Oh, well this isn't going anywhere... but I want to make it a point that it's everyone else's fault." (Because we all know THAT is going to resolve a whole lot *sarcasm*)
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3) If a debate comes up, and there is no proof of everything you are saying, or what the other person is saying, it doesn't matter. Your own experience is law, and that is how it was for every person you encounter as well-they are just in denial, or are stupid.

That, I think, is what bugged me the most about all of it. They were all screaming over personal experiences. Hey, newsflash guys-JUST BECAUSE SOME GUY WROTE A PAPER ON A LINK BETWEEN AUTISM AND VACCINES A LOOOOONG TIME AGO, DOESN'T MAKE IT PROOF!!! Especially when that isn't how it happened for everyone. Take a chill pill.
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4) Always respond to things when you are emotionally unstable (i.e. extremely UPSET about what is being talked about).

A lot of them want to say "use common sense" to everyone else who doesn't agree with them. But in all honesty, they all wound up looking rather loony to me.

There was no thought given to what others were saying. Just this need to yell and bash one another due to an initial emotionally driven response... I'm pretty sure none of them read their own posts and realized how ridiculous they sounded either.
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5) NEVER EVER assume someone means exactly what they are saying.

Nobody could possibly mean what they are saying, apparently. ALWAYS twist up what they say and contort it so it suits your own personal needs. Nevermind paying attention to an entire sentence said, or paragraph. Just pick out the parts you don't like and focus on that-if you focus on the small stuff rather than the big, it's much easier to attack someone and fool yourself into thinking that they meant to be rude.
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6) If someone disagrees, don't back down... you are in control no matter what. If you actually have power, use it as a threat whenever someone disagrees.

The owner actually told some people she was going to kick them out of the group because they didn't agree with her basically. Of course, she took #5 and used that to her advantage to build her case, to make it sound like the person said a lot of offensive stuff.
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No wonder so many of us would prefer to revert into our own worlds most of the time... people are completely random. There is not much logic used in these situations at all... and quite frankly, it's so incredibly annoying that if this is what being "normal" means, thank GOD I'm not.

I may be quirky, but at least I can back off of a situation, or realize when there's no point anymore in arguing/debating. I can also look at a reaction I had within a few hours, and apologize for it easily, because I realize it was irrational and pointless.

People today have frustrated me, obviously, lol. But what bugs me most, is those incidents are NOT only isolated to internet interactions.

I see people doing crap like this ALL THE TIME.

Fall asleep during a movie and someone notices? "No. No. I wasn't sleeping-really!" (big fight breaks out)

Someone bumps into someone else by accident in the store. Half of them don't say sorry, and the half that do, get yelled at for it!

Every time someone gets defensive, it's like their comprehension of what is going on is just... not working right. They can no longer hear correctly, they have to reword everything and use it as an attack...

I want to make it clear... I'm up for social therapy for some things. But I want ABSOLUTELY NO PART in being "normal". I just want to be able to get by, and if omitting these things means it isn't possible, then I'd rather just stay at home all day and not bother trying. It's absolutely ridiculous.

Stims causing problems...

I'm beginning to think that my stims are contributing to my tendonitis and carpal tunnel issues... I need to get some wrist braces that are comfortable to some extent, rather than what I have now, as I cannot wear them for more than 10 minutes at a time without ripping them off.

I type a lot, and while I know that isn't good for it... it's almost compulsive, an interest, or something like that. I type ALL THE TIME. I can't help it at all. I can walk away to do other things in the house, then come right back to the computer... even typing just the same word over and over at times. I really like the clicky sound from the keys, in all honesty.

But I also hand flap when excited, and "type" in the air when thinking (if I'm talking to someone, it helps me remember my line of thought), and twist my hands around a lot.

All of my hobbies involve using my hands too... beading, drawing, writing, playing video games... ugh, haha.

Tendonitis is hitting hard this time around... it's VERY painful, and yet, here I am, still typing away. My arms are very swollen, and I realized that my stims may contribute, because last night I was flapping and clapping like crazy because I was just so happy about things.

*shrug* Just some random thoughts, something I thought might be rather interesting, or maybe this is just a mental note to myself to analyze it more later on and maybe keep data of some sort to see how often it happens? When I figure out the purpose of this, I'll let you know, haha.

Life is good...

Why? Well, because a lot of little things that happen to me on a daily basis make me extremely happy-things that most people would take for granted.

I was able to help a neighbor out tonight by getting her something while I was at the store. I'm still wide awake and grinning ear to ear, here at midnight. I skipped while taking my kids into church, clapped all the way up to their classrooms, giggled a LOT, and was just... overall VERY happy, and I still am, almost 6 hours later!

Little things like that happen a lot around our house, and during these times, we would appear to be the happiest people alive, lol. Maybe the weirdest, too, based on social standards, haha, but I don't care. We are HAPPY! Like, not just normal happy... but jump up and down, hand flappy, clapping and squealing happy!

It's an amazing feeling... and it makes me happy (yes, on top of already being happy) that I can get so much joy out of something so incredibly small. I don't need a lot to make me happy... something from a gumball machine will do it, and I'm 29! haha.

Life... is good. (some days, lol)

Thoughts on the vaccinations debate...

We are all on this Earth, and all have to figure out a way to get along. It's fine and dandy to want a reason for things, but one cannot force a reason that is going to cover every situation possible and be able to say it's the big solution. Not validly at least.

People need to try to remove the emotional factor from these debates, and debate based on logic... if there absolutely HAS to be a debate. Because "well it happened to my child" and "it didn't happen to mine"... do you see that actually going anywhere in conversation or figuring anything out? No, it's a never ending back and forth debate... we need to accept what we have been given, regardless of what we think the cause might be.

Until it is one day, official, that this IS what causes it, nobody has a choice but to learn to live with it, and make the adjustments needed to be able to enjoy life.

Meltdowns....

Hmmm... how to describe what one actually is like. It's not like a tantrum-it's not like I'm thinking "I'm not getting my way so here it goes" or anything like that.

It's actually one of the most miserable feelings I have during one. It's a hopelessness, helplessness feeling, but it's so intense with emotion! That is what does it... a lot of the time, I'm very out of tune with emotions for the most part, and like to think that I'm pretty logical for the most part-I'm sure I have my moments, and I do things that I know aren't exactly "logical", but as far as perspective on things going on around me, I like to think of myself as logical.

When that rush of emotion takes over, there is no more logic. There is no more thinking clearly. Nothing makes sense anymore, and it intensifies because my instinct is to try to make things make sense again.

Imagine yourself in the middle of a tornado, with your favorite things swirling round and round you. You reach out, trying to grab them, but only get bits and pieces of them.

To me, the things swirling around are thoughts that will get my mind "grounded" again. But since I can only comprehend bits and pieces, then that is just that much more frustrating to try to make sense of things. The tornado, I suppose, would represent sounds, lights, people talking to me, other noises factoring in that make comprehension and logical thinking absolutely impossible.

Once it starts, it's a matter of just riding it out until it is done, and anything that happens during it, simply intensifies it all.

It's knowing where you are one minute, and what you are doing, to knowing absolutely nothing the next, except that you WERE doing something...

I think during one, the worst thing someone can do is try to help me... which is unfortunate since that is what everyone, of course, wants to do, haha. I understand why they would-I want to do it if I see my son having one, or someone else as well, because I know it is absolutely miserable and just extremely exhausting.

Thoughts on the term "social disorder"...

Okay, I figured out what I would like to talk about in my first post. This came to me while I was cleaning up my son's room... I really have no clue why, lol.

But I got to thinking about it... and why is autism considered to be so much of a social disorder instead of behavioral?

I ask, because while I was thinking, I realized that if I were to ask questions about why people do this or that, there would be a million different answers... it would be impossible to have one real reason. So if people have so many different reasons, why is it considered so atypical for someone to just not bother because there is no set reason to do it? How can any unwritten social rule, really be considered the "norm" for everyone, and standard enough to test us against for diagnosis, when people are so incredibly different as to why they do things or what they get out of it? I just don't understand it...

To add more confusion... why is it so odd that because of our QUIRKS-as in, physical mannerisms, we are outcasted so often that there really is absolutely no point in trying to get by socially, when so many judgments are based on appearance anyway. I could be the friendliest person ever to someone (and HAVE), and they would just turn around and say nothing to me, or be rude, because I'm rocking back and forth, or swaying (and HAVE had this happen).

So... social therapy, sure, it's a good idea and all, but there are so many things that we do physically that can be seen, that are so incredibly beyond our control, that it really doesn't matter. I would think, that because these things are beyond our control, that behavioral disorder would almost be more fitting, to be honest. As, with a theory, that if we didn't have these behavioral quirks that put people off from us, we might do just fine socially and find reasons to actually try to get along well socially. That, and anything considered a social disorder to me, is just a paradox to figure out when trying to analyze how that is even possible.

What do you guys think?

The start... no clue what to do, haha.

I am an adult with high functioning autism, and recently started posting in a site for parents of children with autism. Many of them have mentioned here and there me starting a blog of sorts... I'm really not sure what to put in my first post, lol, but I'm sure I'll be getting a lot of ideas/questions, etc. after this, haha.

Basically I will just answer questions here so I'm not taking over that forum or anything, haha. So if anyone has questions, feel free to ask.

I'm also going to try to get that project underway here, as well. So will let people know when that gets going. :)

Fair warning, a lot of what I post is just deep thinking, trying to figure things out... also, I might post many times within one day, as the brain never really stops. So just be prepared :)